


All your pills

by TheVeganAuthor



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Bullying, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Overdosing, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:27:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22277869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVeganAuthor/pseuds/TheVeganAuthor
Summary: He's had enough. It's time he takes the final step. This is the note he writes before taking that step.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	All your pills

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, please make sure you have read all of the tags and won't be triggered by reading this. This is my first fic ever. Any comments or kudo's would be greatly appreciated. I'll respond to all of the comment's. If your curious here's the songs Gerard was listening to while writing this. I would recommend listening to them while you read this fic.  
> Rock 'N' Roll Suicide By David Bowie  
> Imagine By John Lennon  
> Wish You Were Here By Pink Floyd

Monday September 1st, 1991  
Hello, I’m Gerard Arthur Way and this is my suicide note.  
It was an unseasonably cold and rainy day. Maybe that’s part of what inspired me to write this. Perhaps the weather was the world’s way of giving me a sign that I should finally do it. Just end my life.  
To the outside world I’m a loser. To the very few people who actually got to know the real me...ok who in the hell do I think I’m kidding, even they think I’m a loser. It’s not that I think being uncool is a particularly bad thing. It’s that society thinks that if you are interested in anything out of the ordinary that automatically makes you a loser, outcast, nerd, and pretty much any other derogatory name you could think of but I won't list here because my mom and Mikey are going to read this. Of course if people think these things about you their obviously not going to just let you live your life. No, of course not. Because that would mean they aren’t huge assholes and we couldn’t let anyone think that. So, they take it upon themselves to make sure you know it's not ok to be different. It’s not ok to be kind of chubby. It’s not ok to like Motorhead or Iron Maiden. No, of course it isn’t ok to be gay. They teach these lessons by calling you names, tripping you when you walk down the hall at school, or spilling drinks or lunches on you in the cafeteria. Then if you don’t learn to change your ways and become the cookie cutter person they want, Obviously their lessons aren’t working. So, they turn it up a notch. Name calling turns into slaps. Slaps turn into punches. Punches turn into kicks and soon enough someone is threatening you with a knife. Society is so fucked up. Anyone who is at all different is bullied until they give in and die or become “Normal”. So, As I’m sure you’ve figured out by now bullies are one of the things that brought me to this point.  
I don’t really have much of an opinion about my funeral. I want to be buried in my denim jacket, jeans, and Misfits shirt. I want to be buried by Grandpa. Other than those two things, do whatever you want.  
I’m gay. I’ve never thought that there was anything wrong with being gay. The people around sure thought being gay was wrong though. My mom even threatened conversion therapy if I didn’t “change my sinful ways.” She said Mikey couldn’t grow up around someone like that and my father would have been ashamed of me. My Grandma never judged though. She said that it was my life and I had to live it the way I wanted, and she would love me unconditionally. When the people at school found out, they had a hayday with that piece of information. Honestly, I still don’t think being gay is a bad thing. What can I say, Men are hot.  
Part of the reason I even bothered to write a note is because I needed people to know what I want them to do with some of my stuff. I don’t care what happens to most of it. You can donate my clothes. My comics and books go to Mikey. My Cd’s go to Frank. My vinyl collection goes to Mikey. Mikey and Frank can split my action figures, dvds, and vhs tapes. Frank can have my guitar. He always played better than I did anyway. Other than the few things I listed, If someone wants it they can have it and if none wants it donate it or throw it out.  
To be extremely honest I’ve always on some level known this is how my life would end. I’ve always been depressed. Sure, sometimes weren’t as bad as others but it was always there in the back of my mind. It manifested in anger, insomnia, hate, jealousy, sadness, self harm, etc. When I was younger I remember thinking how could someone kill themselves. I thought it was extremely selfish and only spread their pain. Over time I’ve started to see it from a suicidal person's perspective. I can't speak for other people but for me it’s like in this moment I can think about anyone or anything except how miserable I am and how meaningless life is. I truly hate myself. Life is meaningless. I’m still afraid of death but it’s time I finally face one of my fears instead of running from them like I always have.  
I’ve had a plan of how I was going to do this for the past few months. I’ll take the rest of my moms painkillers she got when she had a hysterectomy last spring. She got prescribed oxycodone. She only took one pill and never touched the bottle again. She didn’t like the way they made here feel. So, there's nineteen pills left. That should be plenty to off myself but if it isn't that I'm more than prepared to use a more hands on method to kill myself. I’ll slit my wrists. Between all the meds in my system slowing my heart rate and the blood loss, I’ll be a goner.  
Mikey, I love you. For most of my life you were my only friend. You are my best friend, brother, and the only person who never abandoned me. I want you to move on with your life. Don’t mourn me. Grow old, get married, make friends, and most importantly make sure wherever you are in life you’re happy. I love you.  
I’ve never really been one to enjoy the spotlight. So, I’m not going to keep this note kind of short. I’ve already said all of the really important stuff. Well I guess this is it. I’m going to go grab the pill bottle from my sock drawer. Put on some music. Take all the pills and try to sleep. Goodbye for now.  
-Gerard

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudo's or comment if you enjoyed.  
> Just incase anyone needs someone to talk to here's the national suicide crises number for anyone in the united states. 1-800-273-8255  
> Please reach out if you need help. This pain might feel permanent but trust me it's not.  
> This work is roughly based on events fro my real life


End file.
